i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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