So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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