i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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