The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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