So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Let's get the cat blown out
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
