I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
