i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
