lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
