I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Drunk is not a location!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
