Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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