You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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