If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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