Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
