happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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