The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
