duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
