pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
