Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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