Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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