Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
