I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
