My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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