Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
