I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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