and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
