I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
