Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
