five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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