listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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