Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
