apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
