I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
