judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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