Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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