Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
