there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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