Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My liver just had a heart attack.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize