I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
