so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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