I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
