i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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