she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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