My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
