I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
