I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
