I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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