I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
