we're chasing vodka with high fives
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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