I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
