I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
