you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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