so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
