So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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