Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
