two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Randomize
