Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
